Breathing Lessons

I've taken to writing out my schedule the nite before. I'm finding that this really relaxes me. Knowing what's ahead and alloting time for it releases me from having to think about all I have to get done. Not that it doesn't leave time for procrastination, that still gets in the mix, and I am open to the schedule changing during the day as things arrange themselves, but it does make me feel like things can get done. And gives me more time in the day! Sometimes I'm ahead of schedule, which is cool. The main thing is it's teaching me that I can only get so much done in a day and I don't have to feel bad for not getting my whole mental list done. Sticking to the drawing in the morning and it's really great. Already feeling a sense of relief, that there's no pressure in the drawing, that if I don't get any work done in the day because of the whole move scenario, at least I've drawn. It keeps my brain alive. I feel like someone is momentarily whispering "Wake up Sleeping Beauty" and I discover the world around me in a new and connected way.

I've also started something new, knitting! Ok, like you have time, you say...but, you know what? It's really relaxing, well after I let myself relax and realize I don't have to get it perfect and I'm learning. Do you know what? If you make a mistake, you can fudge it! Like that. Though sometimes you have to rip it all out, but that's ok, because it's not about the product, it's about the process. It's a nice way to socialize and pick up a meditative habit. What's more meditative than making the same movement over and over in a focused way. It's not drawing and it's not painting, but I think in some way it is going to help all that. So, big huge thanks to Pauline at http://www.woool.nl/ She has tons of patience and is just, well, nice. If you're in the Hague and need a break from all the stress, try it out.

Yoga today also, was WONDERFUL. It is in the 20s (celcius) and I did it on the roof terrace in the sun. A little difficult to drag myself off to putting Ikea furniture together again, but I'm in the right mindset now. Even got a bit of chanting meditation in.

THIS, is who I want to be...a peaceful, creative person. NOT, the person who worries about the future without living today. Every morning, on my walk with Leon, I say this to myself, "There is no future, there is no past, there is only this moment." And yes, Pauline, it reminds me to do what you reminded me is so essential, "Breathe."

Ongoing Commitments

Ok, The List. So far, I blew the commitment to draw today. Thought I would draw this afternoon instead but was busy. So...I have to stick to that commitment of the morning ritual so I might miss it other days. Still have this evening but I prefer the natural light.

So let's see, what else, well, this one I will list will have to start when I have some more space here in the house/studio and things are a bit more settled, no more than two weeks from now (and that is FINAL!):

4) I commit to working, painting or drawing (and this includes finishing the batik I started a year ago), five solid hours a day. I'll do more if I can, but I have to juggle all the rest of my responsabilites in there, so I'm trying to be realistic.

5) I commit to studying about art at least one hour a week. (Reading books on technique, picking up tips here on the web.)

Here's one that will have to take place in the Fall or Winter:

6) I commit to learning to speak, read and understand Dutch. (I didn't put in writing 'cause I already don't write in French much and that language is more important to me. Here, I can get away with writing in English.) So, this will mean taking classes again. Blech! But I've had enough of being on the outside and we're apparently making this our home for the foreseeable future.

That might just be it, folks. Seems like an achievable list. There's lots more I would like to achieve, but I think I'll make a separate list for that. I'll also be analyzing my past year's work and where I want to go from here with some goals to achieve. Getting my house in order in more ways than one.

And yes, I'm still doing the Ikea assembly line thing.

Stuff and Sense

As my doggie so patiently awaits his walk, I'm taking a few minutes to check in here. This move has really taken a toll on every aspect of my creative life, including writing here! Currently, I'm the Ikea assembly queen. We got a bunch of furniture to put all our STUFF away at last. Tomorrow I'm gonna get more so I can put away more STUFF. What do I need all the STUFF for anyway? Beats me, but in the meantime I have it so it's gotta go somewhere.

It occurs to me that, since I was painting a radiator and walls on my birthday, I completely missed my yearly ritual of new birth year Resolutions. I'm going to change the word here though and call it Commitments. So here and now, and in the next few days, I'm going to begin a list of my new Commitments, not necessarily in order of importance...

1) I commit to myself. That is, I commit to not letting my self, my most vital needs for self survival, be put aside regardless of the circumstances I find myself in.

2) I commit to doing yoga, even if it is only five Sun Salutations, every morning.

3) I commit to drawing, either in my Moleskin or on some other paper, every morning for a minimum of 20 minutes a day.

Ok, Leon is waiting, but patience is wearing thin, so I will start with those three and add, though I want to keep this simple and achievable.

Getting back on the path...

Back Atcha

Hi Folks...
It's been a while and a wild ride doing the whole move and renovation of our new home/studio. Yes, I'm moving it all back here, paints, brushes, pencils and all. The north light in the kitchen and living room will be perfect for painting (if we ever move the boxes...) and I now have a small room all to myself for drawing with a drawing table. It's improving all the time, more shelving going in the closet, projects for a few shelves for paintings and a bulletin board so I can tack up my drawings. Such a relief to have that space and to begin to draw again after three and a half arduous months. Never planned it that way, but that is how long in took.

So, what have I learned from this experience? Well, first of all, that a painter of canvases, especially realism and fine art should not be the one painting walls, unless that is your vision, of course. It took me probably double the time of a regular painter because I got so caught up in the perfection of it and the texture etc. Yes, I found out it can be simpler, but by then it was too late, three rooms too late. By the time I began painting the woodwork I had had it.

Secondly, never, never let your art go if you are an artist. Take time out, even if it is only an hour each day, to do it. Why? Well, you might think it is because of loss of technique, but after a few days I'm not feeling too lost, no, it is more of a loss of soul, or starvation of the soul. Those of you who are dedicated artists out there, and you know who you are, know that art is not a choice, it is a possesion, a driving desire and to deny that is like denying your stomach food when you are hungry. First, there are the pangs of hunger, then a feeling of aggression and after a while, your teeth grow longer. Then a feeling of desperation sets in, and finally a loss of hope. I definitely reached the last and finally had to find my way back and quick.

The good news is that I learned more, am learning more, about my self in the process, what I need to survive, what I need to let go of, and I think this will make me a better artist in the long run. At least that's the theory. Will I manage to fix all my flaws? Probably not, but then those are some of the things that make me do the art I do. If I felt completely sane I might be satisfied to let others do art and just enjoy it, but it is my flesh, blood and bones, so personal
flaws and all I will keep making it. Keep posted for pictures in the near future.

Cosmetics

Last day before the packing and move to our new home. I spent ten hours yesterday painting the walls, and two days of painting the ceiling before that, of the living room. Next are three smaller, thankfully, rooms to be painted and wallpaper to be taken down, also sanding and varnishing the living room floor. After this I'll look forward to collapsing and hopefully my right hand will survive to go back to do more painting and drawing! I have so much respect for those who do this kind of work for a living. It can be very Zen though, rolling the paint roller back and forth for hours. Wax on, wax off...and I wax on when I should be getting ready. Just to let you, my imaginary audience, know I will be internetless for three weeks. Sounds like a good excuse to find a nice internet cafe, have a warm drink and get away from all the physical labor...but it's Off to the races! for now. Toodles, Kim

That Lovin' Feeling

Not being one for New Year's Resolutions, I didn't make a list. I do all that stuff on my birthday, yearly review, assessment of goals met and new ones to achieve etc., so I'm gonna put that off till February. That didn't stop me from waking up this morning and feeling I needed, nonetheless, to start the New Year on the right note. Hold your breath and don't laugh, but that note is LOVE. No, I didn't join a commune or find a new (or old) god or anything like that. Though, I will confess to being a child of the late 60's born and partially raised (having been dragged kicking and screaming to the Midwest at the tender age of 10) in California.

I've always believed in love, the whole concept of acting in love. I was thrilled when one day, around six years old, my sister let me borrow her LOVE pin. It was a huge circle with those letters emblazoned in psychedelic purple and hot pink. I sat in my favorite big red leather reading chair while all the kids laughed at me and I was undaunted. I believed! That didn't stop me from being a hell raiser, but the concept was planted. Later, in college, I was a leader of a Circle K group, a student service group, and went to a conference on leadership. All the leaders were asked to step out of the room and come up with their concept for leadership summed up in one word. You guessed it, I picked LOVE. Each one of us had to re-enter the room and the audience reacted to our proposal in a predetermined way, unbeknownst to us. The audience was told to react in a certain way, no matter what the word, to show (I guess) how audience participation affects a situation or something...mine booed and hissed, oh and threw paper balls. Nonetheless, and again undaunted, I plowed on with my speech and in the end they were forced to admit their ploy.

So anyway, back to the resolution. The idea anyway, is that I will act more loving...to family, friend (furry and otherwise) and also to myself. This doesn't mean I'm going to get up every morning, make breakfast and eggs and wear a pinafore. I'm not talking Stepford Wives. Just, instead of waking up and complaining how I feel, I'll look for something more positive. I'll try and make the morning stress free so my husband can get off to work without my list of worries on his mind. I'll try and keep up with old friends and pay attention to how I react to new ones, friends and strangers. I'll not beat myself up for putting on a half kilo or not becoming Rembrandt overnight. I'll take time for what matters and try not to sweat the small stuff or invent big stuff.

It won't be easy. I'll need a reminder of some sort regularly. I read somewhere that some have a bell rung every so often to remind them to be mindful. Hmmm...maybe a talisman of some sort...I'll think on that. Anyway, that's the gist. Love is all ya' need.

Cheers! 2008

Well, it’s New Year’s Eve here and WWIII...at least that’s what it sounds like, or will soon outside. There’s a time honored tradition in The Netherlands to light many many huge, and I mean HUGE firecrackers on your home soil. Stuff that in America would be way, way illegal. It is SPECTACULAR, OVER THE TOP lights, color and screech, bang, pop and sizzle. Kids start with the small stuff during the day and it mounts to the crescendo at midnight till probably around one or so, trickling pops and bangs throughout the night and into the next day.

Leon, my English Springer, brave soul that he is in any other situation, is TERRIFIED. Since he heard the first one a couple of days ago (just practice, mind you) he has been waking me up in the middle of the night several times for comfort. Tonight I walked him at the last light while firecrackers were set off at unknown mysterious locations, seemingly under his feet. Must have been, because he was bouncing up and down all around the block. Kisses, pleading and body blocking were also tried to get me to turn around towards home. Our original purpose for walking was forgotten for the one all powerful, getting to safety! We made it home and he is now lying asleep in his bed, safe. How can he sleep, you ask? Well, he had a little chemical help, plus today we went on a nice walk in the park (where no fireworks were being exploded).

Actually, he’s more relaxed than the cat, Mokimo. I think animals become sensitized to these things, because this is the first year, after five of living here, that she decided there must be a Cat-Eating Dragon outside. She’s keeping low to the ground and alert. I have explained to her that no Dragons will get past me so she’s staying nearby.

In spite of it all, at midnight I will go outside to brave the Dragon and bombs to say Happy New Year to my friends and neighbors, then run back inside to my safe furry family and husband, now to be known as the Oyster Opening Champion. As I write he is opening two dozen oysters to the sounds of Willie Bobo in happy contentment. So CHEERS! and here’s to a peaceful, productive and fufilling New Year, one and all!

Home Improvement

Today was spent choosing flooring for our new apartment, well, just two small rooms of it. What does this have to do with art, you might ask? Well, nothing except that is what I'll be doing the next few weeks, getting things ready for the big move. Next is buying paint and then, painting the walls. Not all of them, thank heavens. Just the orange bedroom and the two small rooms.

Hey, some people like orange. When I was about, um, ten I wanted my room to be painted orange, bright orange. I settled for some sort of plaid with orange in it, and lime green. Cheerful. Somehow though, later in life I got a little too much of orange and now I just can't deal. Maybe it was teaching art and having a room with orange shelving on Halloween when everything becomes orange, or maybe it's that orange is the National color in the Netherlands so I see a bit too much of it. This is a nice orange though, a kind of burnt orange. I could see it with some deep turquoise somehow, but perhaps not in the bedroom. One of the small rooms has giant daisy wallpaper. I could live with that maybe, but the office is going in there, so perhaps too much going on. Lovely for a kids room though, which is what it was.

So, what color does an artist paint her walls? Well...I think I'm going for an off-white, eggshell. Not so exciting, but you have to realize that paintings and other art is going up there, so it mustn't clash. Sigh...there goes all the books I've bought on faux painting and wall textures. Maybe I could do something creative to the water closet. Like you could walk in there and feel you had been transported to a different place...hmmm...I'll have to think about that.

My favorite bathroom was designed by my old roommate, Bill Stufflebeem. He made it kind of South American Catholic kitsch, including rosary. It was off of the kitchen, which was like the interior of a Chinese restaurant. Definitely one of my favorite places to live in. I moved in because, when I went for the interview, the place smelled like patchouli. I kinda have a thing for that smell. Like a moth to a flame. Then I saw the decor and knew it was for me. Not to mention that the garden was a wonderful Eden thanks to Bill's green thumb. The balcony was like being in a green cocoon. On more than one occasion, I awoke to find a new Ikibana arrangement he had made in the nite. And once, on a bad day I came back to my room to find a perfumed arrangement of Magnolia blossoms. Now that is one guy with a sense of beauty. He once told me that when he stayed in hotels he would rearrange the furniture and make a flower arrangement. If they were smart, the hotel people left it.

So, if you hear from me, and you just might, be indulgent as I go through the trials and tribulations of feathering my nest, or rather, building it so that when the feathers fly all will settle in a cozy configuration.

Watch the Bouncing Ball

Bounce, bounce, bounce...yes, I dropped the ball for a while, but hopefully I can get it back in play. Everything became very intense when I got back to the Netherlands. A huge cold set me back on my painting for three weeks so when that was over I was bent to the grindstone for some time. Just finished it...keep posted for the picture to come. I'm having some trouble with my optimizer on my resizing now. I learned tons! My friend Hakim has asked me if I am satisfied. My answer, "I feel I can do better." Still, I'm not completely dissatisfied with the the results. When I get it up here, I'll give you a list of the things I think I learned and what I might do better next time. I know, it's a bummer waiting...

In the meantime, the New Year is around the corner and so is our big move! Two more weeks...aaagh! Got that painting finished just in time. That's three, now four, times I've typed "time" in this short post. I guess that's on my mind. "Time keeps on slippin'...into the future." So true, even if it is cliche. I'm trying to remember to be "in the moment" or "mindful". When my head stops spinning I can do it. I find that a cat on your stomach helps. Something about that is so "present". Of course that requires reclining and she's warm and comfortable so that is conducive to napping...snorrrrre.

Whoops, so much for the present. I'm off to dreamland. Which is weirder and weirder, if that is possible. I'm one of the lucky few that actually remembers all the details of her dreams, including taste, touch, and smell, yes smell. Lots of flying of late. Hey, it's the quickest mode of transportation in dreams. Guess I'm in a hurry these days. Ok, question, for those of you who dream of flying, what is your modus operandi for take-off? I used to flap my arms, then there was jumping till I got so high I reached the sky (d'ya think that was inspired by Miss Mary Mac?), and now I just seem to glide off. I can do some amazing soaring and daring-do in the air. I used to get a kinda nervous excitement about taking those big swoops from great heights, but I seem just to be enjoying it more now. Of course there are dangers, like nets and interwoven tree branches. Still, overall it's a great way to travel.

Well, back to the "moment". Here I sit in front of the computer while nature is beckoning me outside, so I'm off for my morning walk. I'll post pictures soon, really, really. I have so much to show you! Now, where did that ball bounce to....?

Revelations

I'm back from America and my grandfather's funeral. This is not my first touch with death by far, though each time it is a journey, at times arduous but in it's own way life-giving, for how much more can one appreciate life than when faced with it's final chapter? We have this vessel, into which we pour all our experiences and then one day the vessel is empty. Where does all that experience and knowledge, wisdom and folly go? The very nature of existence has caused man to invent answers and defend those answers sometimes by the sword.

When I was six years old I lost someone whose presence I never doubted to be in. In that moment I awoke, I began to see and hear and know the miracle that we are alive. To be given the gift of awareness of one's own existence at that age is a revelation.

That we live in this form that breathes, thinks, creates language and so many, many other things, is truly a privilege. Forget how or even why we are here or what happens when we are not, and see this: that we exist, now, in this moment in time. Open your hand in front of your face and look at it, look at the space around it, feel and hear the air come into and go out of your lungs and know that at this moment, right now, you are here. Amazing.

So I choose, at this time of grieving, not to dwell on what has been lost, but what was given, giving what I can in return, and accepting gratefully this gift of life, filling this vessel. My goal is that my glass will be more than half full, it will be brimming over, and in the end when it is spilled, know that I have savored every drop, bitter and sweet.

Life and Death

My grandfather, the patriarch of our famil, died yesterday. As always with these brushes with death I think, or rethink, what I am doing with my time, my life. This moment. Well, this moment I am writing to you, an invisible audience, in my effort to make sense of it all, life, the Big Picture.

Recently a friend of mine was having to make a major career/life decision. I gave her the best advice I ever got: Ask your self "What if I knew I was going to be run over by a truck tomorrow(ie. die), what would I do today?" Those words, said to me by a mentor years ago when I was also struggling to figure out what to do with my life, are the reason I'm doing art today. So, in light of these present circumstances, do I still feel that way? Yup. More so. I want to put my whole heart into it, I shall, I do.

You might think this a little self-absorbed (as writing a blog is too somewhat) and it is. And it isn't. On the self side, it keeps me sane, brings me a sense of peace, meditation, equilibrium. It can also challenge me and frustrate me, but, call me crazy, I think that's fun. On what I hope to be the more altruistic side, I hope that it makes me a better person to others and also that I am contributing to beauty in the world, though that is of course debatable. My ego isn't so fragile that I can't take a few punches there.

I am indeed thinking how I can give more though. I do feel a need to contribute and believe I can do so through teaching. When, to whom, and how I need to decide. I'm lucky enough to have a venue now, so that main part is at least not a worry. Anyway, in the meantime, I'll be taking a week off to visit family, so it might be a bit before I get back to this blog. Not that I'm the most regular in posting. I think I'll use the time off to explore this teaching idea and a few other goals. We're only here a short time and as long as my truck hasn't passed yet, I'm going to be doing art and sharing what I can from that trip.